Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Hi Robina,

You helped me last time (it was about my dog being euthanised) and I was hoping you could advise again. 

Long story short – my partner had to take a test in work this morning he got the results and failed. I was trying to be supportive and said its ok, you’ll do better next time, etc. 

The answer I got was that I need to let him be upset, he doesn’t care how other people did, and I’m too positive and trying to fix his “mood.” To be fair, in general I am/was a “fixer” but I stopped trying to fix people since I started watching your seminars. So I have become much more conscious of what comes out of my mouth and whenever I feel sad/angry etc. I ask myself why? 

I got upset with his answer today, so asked myself why? But can’t understand. I don’t want to fix him. I was just trying to be supportive, and positive, see the glass half full. Don’t really know how to go about it. Am I too positive? And happy? I never replied to his last message as I didn’t want to say anything to cause him more upset/anger. But will have to face it tomorrow any advice appreciated 

T

ANSWER

Happy to hear from you, T.

I understand exactly! 

The key to success is to listen, to be sympathetic and show you understand – but not tell him it’s okay. You don’t need to tell him that. You don’t need to have an opinion, you don’t need to make him feel better. Allow to be whatever he feels. 

Try it! It means being open, knowing it’s his problem, not yours.

What do you think?

Much love,

Robina

QUESTION

Hi, 

Your email couldn’t have come at a better time, I was literally jumping in my car to go see him. 

It makes sense, such a “simple” thing really, why didn’t it cross my mind. It nearly feels like what I was trying to do was for me, to make me feel better about his situation, not that he just needs to be heard. And now looking back, when we first met, one of the things he said was (after I had asked him what did he want from me as a partner) that he wanted to be heard, and listened to.

Thank you!

T

ANSWER

Well done, T!

QUESTION

Hi Robina,

I’m back with more questions if you don’t mind.

Last week my partner called me up for a chat, out of the blue he said he needs to be by himself, and that he’s very grateful for me in his life but he struggles a lot with anxieties and needs to solve it by himself (I had said it to him that I am his partner and will not “abandon” him when he struggles. That’s why we are together for good and bad). He does this, he runs away from me when there’s a lot happening in his life and he can’t cope. 

I was heartbroken but I understand he needs time. I am hoping he will come back from this and we can continue (it had happened before). 

A few hours later on the same day my dog of ten years passed away. I lost two of them on one day. And my best friend and housemate is moving back home. I am overwhelmed, there is a lot of changes happening at once. I have had pets for years. I need to adjust to a totally new routine and on top of that I lost my partner. 

T

ANSWER

Dear T, I’m glad to hear from you again.

Change is certainly happening! Not easy, that’s for sure. And it’s all the more painful when it’s so unexpected, isn’t it?

It’s easy to say it, but hard to apply it — the reason we suffer so much when people leave our lives is because we rely so heavily on others to validate us, to make us feel we’re worthwhile. We define ourselves, in fact, by the presence of others. 

What it is this telling you? You have to find your own ground, your own inner qualities, your own worth — it’s this for all of us, T. 

It’s like all our lives we’re propped up by the presence of others. 

I mean having relationships is marvellous, but when we’re overly dependent, we’re denying ourselves, we’re not really becoming ourselves.

What do you think? How are you now, ten days since your email to me? 

Much love,

Robina

QUESTION

Dear Robina,

Thank you for your email. Things have changed in 10 days, yes. I am still struggling a lot with finding a new routine for myself.

After having pets for a long time, it’s difficult. I don’t know what to do with it. 

With my partner. I haven’t reached out to him. I am staying true to myself, I am not chasing after anyone anymore. I guess what I’m struggling with is this – what do I want? What do I need? A few years ago my therapist asked me the same question and I didn’t know. All my life was always about someone else. And its fine, I like looking after people. I do struggle with finding this fine line between being caring and loving and being someone’s doormat. When I do something for myself I feel selfish.

T

ANSWER

Good to hear, T.

Yes, exactly: what do you want? That’s the key. If we don’t know, then we’ll just flit from pillar to post. 

So, stay steady, live your life, try to be authentic, and dig deep inside, and see what you want. It’s not selfish; it’s common sense.

When that’s clear, everything works! Trust your own wisdom, T!

Robina