Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Dear Ven. Robina,

I have had a lot of trauma in my life. Right now I think I have PTSD to the point it’s hard to take care of my daily functioning.

How can one practice with trauma?

ANSWER

Dearest F,

The main thing is to take good good care of yourself! You must!

Yes, it’s hard to bear the suffering of this life sometimes.

Do you have good friends? You need them right now.

Tell me about it.

Much love,

Robina

QUESTION

Dearest Ven. Robina,

What a welcome surprise to receive your email. I would like to thank you so much for taking the time to respond and for your loving concern.

My question is about how to practice with trauma. I have been practicing meditation for a while. I mostly take classes and workshops and have been involved in many other ways, but not as a committed, formal student. I read your website sometimes and have also read some books by Pema Chodron. But my practice is mostly Zen, including koan study.

I have a hard time focusing during meditation lately because my mind is running wild all the time. I recently spoke with one of our teachers during interview; I told him that I often wake up with shock in my body, as if I’m about to be assaulted, or have just been assaulted, and that I’m about to die without ever knowing love or happiness. (I recently was also physically assaulted by an unhinged, angry person while walking in the park – physically I was not badly hurt but I still feel the aftershock of that.) My teacher told me he thinks I have PTSD and that unfortunately talk therapy does not address that. But I recently started weekly talk therapy (two weeks ago) in the absence of something better.

I am in my fifties and have never had a long-term relationship. My mother regretted marrying my father and having children. One of my earliest memories at around age four or five was my mother yelling at us kids, telling us that if it weren't for us, she'd be a happy, free, independent woman. My parents fought a lot, and they didn't show us a lot of love, but instead, we were beaten constantly. Also, because they worked all the time, my sister and I were left to fend for ourselves, we dealt with school all on our own. I ran away from home when I was about eleven only to have the police return me home. 

As an adult I wanted to have very little to do with my parents, but they got old, they were elderly, so I had to take care of them (my sister also moved away). When my parents died I had tremendous grief, I mourned the happy family we never were; and I felt tremendous guilt – they were such unhappy people, and I was not their friend, more like a stranger, and I felt I didn't do enough for them.

I do have friends but I often feel disappointed and resentful of them. Also, who wants to hear me say that I wake up every day and I want to kill myself?

Please let me know how I can practice while my mind is shot into a million pieces.

Many thanks for your kind reply.

ANSWER

Dear F,

Thank you for explaining what’s been happening for you.

The general idea in Buddhism — and this is the approach I’ve been applying in my own life all these years — is that we can change the way our mind works, the way we see things, interpret things, and that that is the method for actually lessening our suffering and becoming more happy and fulfilled.

It’s really cognitive therapy: by changing our minds we change our lives.

And it’s more than merely meditating on the mind.

But any help we can get from the outside, great, get it! So I highly recommend you stick with the therapist you have found, assuming you feel good about them. It’s important you do feel good about the person you want to trust to help you unpack your mind. So important!

The biggest thing that Buddhism gives us is the skill to change our mind, our interpretation of our experiences.

Yes, there are the external events and, indeed, terrible things do happen to us, that’s for sure. Typically when we think of our suffering and our happiness we think about the events, which is what you are telling me about.

But we don’t describe the mind: the attachment, the anger, the hurt, the jealousy: they are what we need to become familiar with – because they’re cognitive stories, they’re interpretations. And this is what we can work on. We can change the way we interpret our experiences. It’s hard, but it’s possible. And this is the key to success.

One way of describing PTSD is simply a result of suppressing your experiences over the years, your not dealing with them. This is very common. We feel we just can’t bear it all, so we push it all away. But all the experiences we have stay in our mind and we need to find methods to bring them to the surface, to not be afraid of them, and eventually to reinterpret them.

Go one step at a time. Believe in your potential. Have confidence, have courage, don’t give up. We’ve all got marvelous potential for clarity and courage and goodness, and you too, for sure. Aim for that, F. Know it’s possible for you to discover these parts of yourself.

What do you think?

Love to you,

Robina

QUESTION

Dear Ven. Robina,

Thank you again for writing and sharing your wisdom and love with me. I really appreciate your help.

I'm not doing great but I'm still alive. Many years ago I made a promise to myself that I'd never kill myself, after decades of thinking about it. But I do think about it often because I feel a tremendous desperation that I will never get what I want (a partner, love, happiness, a sense of home and tranquility). And I know that what you and all our teachers tell us is that the problem is not in getting what I want, but in seeing the delusion in that thought. I know rationally that it is all in the mind, as Wonhyo realized in the cave, but rationality/intellect is not as strong as what I feel when I am in despair.

About my therapist: we had four sessions so far, but he's now on vacation for two weeks. I often don't feel connected to him or that this helps, but in the absence of anything else, it's helpful to talk to him instead of dumping on someone else. One thing I'll say about him: he knows that I feel desperate, and he tells me every session that if things take a turn for the worse, that I am to call him any time of the day, he says he has no trouble going back to sleep, and that I can call him at 3 am if needed. So at least he's a compassionate person.

So I guess in my mind I'm trying to see that what I have is enough, that being alone and not having all that I want is okay. But I often fall off into despair and giving up. Of all the paramitas I think the one I lack the most is perseverance. I just don't have that kind of determination, strength, perseverance and patience. 

In any event, thank you again for your message. I truly appreciate it.

Love,

F

ANSWER

Happy to hear your thoughts, F.

I understand your feelings of loneliness, not being enough, missing out.

One approach is to think about what you can do to reach out to others, help others; train your mind to think that way when you think about no one loving you, being alone, etc.

And another approach is whenever you think about your friends and your sister, rejoice for them; don’t turn it against yourself. Opening your heart and being glad for them will lift you.

Keep moving, that’s the main thing! It’s a gradual process but we need to know that it’s possible. 

Much love,

Robina

QUESTION

Dear Ven. Robina,

Thank you very much again for your kindness and your teaching.

Hope you’re well.