Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Dear Venerable,

Please can I ask you about something that has caused me distress for a long time. It’s about my partner M’s ex-partner, J. 

I thought my difficulty with J was based on my attachment, low self-esteem and jealousy. These delusions do exist in me but they feel manageable, with purification etc.

But it feels like there’s something else darker or more sinister going on, like karmically weird and something to be wary of.

I feel like there is an odd karmic connection between us all that needs cleaning up/purifying…?

Apart from being kind, owning my own shit, purifying old karmic relationships and keeping a healthy distance whilst keeping my mind steady, is there anything else I can do? 

Am I right to be wary of J? Could there be something dark and weird from my past with J? Are my dark, weird feelings right? Or am I being delusional? 

I dedicate some of my practices to J, I send Green Tara mantras to them and want them to be enlightened and loved and have the best life.

Thank you for listening.

Please help me!

Love,

Z

ANSWER

Dearest Z:

One, there is the reality of what a person is and, two, there is our view of that person. And they’re rarely in sync simply because we have delusions and, crucially, karma from the past, both of which inform — distort — our view.

As for the effect of the delusions: It’s pretty straightforward that your view of J is distorted by your jealousy and the rest, as you admit. So your practices are good.

As for the effect of the karma between people: The extent to which a person appears nice to us is the extent of particular instances of past kindness etc. to us. And the reverse: the extent to which a person appears not nice to us – J for you – is the extent of the harm they must have done to you in the past.

And we can see how this can change. You adore someone for a while and then new, negative karma ripens, and you can’t stand the sight of them. We have lots of bad and good karma with people.

The Dalai Lama appears totally beautiful to some people and to the Chinese Communists, let’s say, he appears like the most terrible person. In cases like this with holy beings we can deduce that the karma those of us who like him in this life have with him is positive: he hooked us by being kind to us. So we can deduce that he must have used wrathful methods to hook the Chinese Communists.

And, sure, keep distant; nothing wrong with that. But also work on your view, and have compassion.

And knowing all this – again: remembering that the way people appear to us is affected, one, by what’s in our mind right now, delusions or virtue, and, two, our past karma – we work on our minds. 

And, as Lama Zopa Rinpoche says, don’t believe in our karmic appearances.

Rxx