Q & A with Robina

QUESTION 

Dear Venerable Robina,

I’m finding my situation with my partner incredibly hard at the moment. Have made it my practice not to give him advice and I try every day to stick to this. Instead I try to support and have empathy for him. It’s wearing me out though, he’s at such a low. His physical health is really low and so is his mental health. I worry about the impact on our son. 

I know I’m attached to the situation getting better and, as I can’t see how it will, aversion rises. I don’t know how to properly bring this onto the path. When I do things without him (like take our son for a walk) it saddens him because he’s unable to join us. But I feel I can’t not do things because then my son misses out and so do I. It feels like an unhappy house, I feel so conflicted inside and stressed. 

I think I write the same things to you on this situation every couple of emails!

ANSWER

Good to hear from you, H, as always.

You are working hard, that’s for sure! I rejoice.

As for your partner: have you considered leaving him? I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t. I’m asking you to think about it. We’ve discussed this before — it’s all about knowing clearly what we want. When we’ve decided that, things get easier, even though it mightn’t appear that way initially.

In other words, when it comes down to it, we have precisely two options. Stay or leave: change the situation. Or change our mind, change our interpretation of the situation; see the good things in it; make it your practice.

It seems outrageous making it that simple! But so much of our suffering comes because we haven’t decided what we actually want.

If you decide that you cannot cope, that it’s best for all three of you, then you leave, you change the situation. But if you decide to stay because you feel there’s something worthwhile there, that it’s best for all three of you, then you change your mind.

So, what do you want, H? What do you want? 

Love,

Robina

QUESTION

Dear Venerable Robina,

I hope you are well.

When I first read your email, it took my breath away!! Your question about whether I wanted to leave my partner or not is something I've been grappling with for years. But seeing it written down in black and white, from someone outside of myself really brought it home.

My initial response was “no” / “I can't”. . . Then we had a couple of difficult days and I was back thinking about leaving him again. Then it struck me that some of the suffering I experience in relation to my partner's ill-health is because of this indecision. The pain of oscillating between I'll stay / I'll go.

Deep down I know I'm not going to leave him. We have a strong connection. There is a lot of goodness between us. He is a good kind man. The more I practice and understand my own suffering the more I can see his pain and I'm slowly taking it less personally. 

When I have said to myself before that I will stay and I know deep down I caveated this with “but only if it gets better / easier” etc. This brought further pain.

Now I know that I will stay no matter what, because it's the best thing to do for me, my practice, for my partner and for my son. I might just need to keep reminding myself of this decision.

Thank you so much for asking me the question, I really appreciate it.

All my love

H

ANSWER

Well done, H! 

You are clear, and that’s the main thing.

Much love and much courage to you!

Robina