Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Dear Ven. Robina,

I hope you are keeping safe and well?

I’d really value your advice about a problem I’ve started having with my visualisations.

Though I took refuge a few years ago it’s fair to say my practice over the years has sometimes been a bit lackadaisical. Then recently I took the lay vows with you and since then I’ve put much more effort in.

Following your very kind advice I now have a basic but enjoyable daily practice and I regularly do Vajrasattva purification. I’ve also been very fortunate that our present lockdown has given me the opportunity to meditate more and to attend some amazing FPMT online classes so that overall it feels as though the concepts of impermanence – and even emptiness – are finally starting to resonate. 

My problem is this: just as my practice seems to be deepening, my mind has started throwing up all sorts of weird obstacles. Specifically, these take the form of unwanted, intrusive images when I do visualisations, for example Lama Tara might suddenly look like a wrathful Kali. Or the white nectar from Vajrasattva may refuse to stay white but insist on being black. Or worse, if I picture His Holiness he may also have a wrathful aspect.

Honestly, this has freaked me out. To the extent I wonder if I should pause all practice, aside from basic mindfulness meditation? 

Today I remembered you saying that our minds can actually feel as though they are getting worse when we start practicing and that crappy stuff can get churned up (I’m paraphrasing.) I wonder if this might be a version of what’s going on? If so, do we just keep on practicing through the muck in the hope that it eventually subsides?

It also occurs to me that I should perhaps use this as an opportunity: try to apply my kindergarten-level understanding of emptiness to these intrusive images, that is, instead of being upset, see them as empty of inherent existence, accord them no weight & simply let them come and go. Does that seem reasonable?

In short dearest Venerable Robina, I’m in a muddle and would be massively grateful if you’ve thoughts on how I should best proceed so I don’t have to put my practice on ice?

Much love,
S

ANSWER

Good to hear from you, dearest S.

You are doing beautifully with your practice. I’m so glad you’ve developed a disciplined routine. And that you’re studying as well; this is so important.

As for your visualizations — I don’t think there’s a problem at all. It sounds like purification to me! Seeing Lama Tara and His Holiness in wrathful aspects is actually good! All the gurus and buddhas have all aspects anyway, and they’re all rooted in compassion.

As for the nectar in your purification meditation being black, good: just think it’s the negativity disappearing.

Some people experience lots of negativity — yes, for sure, they think they’re getting worse. One monk, who’s done many three-year retreats, said at one point he was experiencing so much anger and arrogance he thought he was going crazy. He saw Lama Zopa Rinpoche, very distressed, but Rinpoche just laughed and laughed — “The dirt has to come out! The dirt has to come out!” 

And this is your dirt coming out, S.

For sure, see it all as empty, as indeed it is. In fact, the real purification happens when we realize emptiness. 

Meanwhile, keep persevering with the visualizations as laid out in the practices. Things will eventually settle down.

And rejoice!

Much love,
Robina

QUESTION

Dear Ven. Robina,

Thank you so much for your amazingly kind and wise advice, it is hugely helpful. On reflection, I don’t know why I ever expected that purification would be a cosy and comfortable process – a pretty dim assumption!

Anyway, I’m very reassured to hear that my practice seems to be moving in the right direction. I’ll keep going and hopefully I’ll keep making progress.

You mention the importance of studying: I’m about to start studying the FPMT Basic Program. This feels very positive, if a bit daunting. I had been in two minds about applying (five years!) but on balance I decided that it’s such a great opportunity I should seize it. 

So thank you again dearest Venerable Robina for this great advice and for all your past kindnesses. 

Much Love,
S

ANSWER

Excellent, S! So pleased about the studies. Really get your teeth into it!

Keep moving, dear one. Never give up. That’s the key.

And, remember, as the Tibetans put it – their take on “practice makes perfect” – “Nothing gets more difficult with practice.”

Love to you,
Robina