Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Hi Venerable Robina, thank you so much.

My parents are quite unwell, and I’m looking at ways to help them. They’re in their 50’s – I’m the only child, living far away from home, but moving closer with work next year.

Dad has years of mental health issues (like depression/anxiety/‘emotionally unstable personality’/low self-esteem). He has distracted himself with his office-job, debt and paying off a mortgage, and has no friends. He is anxious being overweight, and copes in ways like smoking or sleeping. He has had hospital admissions for mental health every few years. Due to this, he has been on extended leave this year to refocus his life. He had some benefit from various treatments, but hasn’t consolidated them. Unfortunately he has been in-and-out of hospital this year also with distress, and is losing hope. He now has strong fear of abandonment and distress from marriage difficulties.

Mum is now struggling to cope living with him. She has issues with anger. Her life has not turned out like she expected, with one issue after another, and has resentment towards Dad for that. She had a health scare a few years ago, and doesn’t want to be unhappy for the rest of her life. She would leave Dad and move on with her life if she knew that he would be safe.

They both have good qualities – my father is gentle, kind-hearted, and caring for others. He sees me as a testimony of his own self-worth. Mum has always been devoted to my well-being. They raised me Christian, but they aren’t involved in the religion any more.

I feel very fortunate for a precious human life – no real hardships, and have been able to understand some Dharma and have good mental health from that. I hope I can practice the rest of my life in compassion and wisdom. I feel like my parents are in a bubble of strong negative emotions. I want to help them, and show them that they can step out of the bubble. I talk with Dad about his mental health and give some reflection, which I think is useful for him, but my mother isn’t as open with me – she tries to keep the parent role.

In some ways being their daughter is a good position to help, and in others not. I never shared with them my Buddhist practice, initially because they raised me Christian. Sometimes, even trying to share some bits of Dharma with them, they miss it or see it through a distorted lens.

Things might get worse, even though I might not be able to do anything. I hope this can be a useful motivator to my own practice and well-being, in order to benefit others. Do you have any suggestions for beneficial practices that I might focus on, other people to turn to, or how to support them?

Thank you so much and thank you for your understanding with this very long message.

Kindest regards, and have a wonderful day. 

V

ANSWER

Dearest V,

Thank you for telling me about your parents.

Their story is not uncommon, is it? Dissatisfied, frustrated, and not realizing their own mind is the main problem and that, crucially, they can change it.

So what can you do? This is the point here: your mind, your attitude, your approach.

You have love for them, no doubt about it: in other words, you want them to be happy: that’s the actual meaning of love. And you have compassion: wanting them not to suffer.

But also, because you have attachment — and the most primordial level of it, which we all have, is attachment to everything out there being nice, everything being the way we want — you are dissatisfied with how they are.

So, one, you want them to be happy and you do everything you can to help achieve that. Perfect. Keep doing!

But, two, the crucial thing to understand is that you suffer not because of their suffering but because of your aversion to their suffering, which is the response when attachment doesn’t get what it wants. 

It’s a tricky one, but when you get it right, you can relax and love them for who they are.

So try to give up any expectation whatsoever, which is a function of attachment, of them actually changing! Because with this attachment to everything being nice — and in this case that means for them to change and actually be happy — as long as things aren’t the way your attachment wants, as long as they stay miserable, you also will be unhappy. And not only that, you’ll assume that you’ve failed, and that’ll increase your own suffering.

But you haven’t failed. You are doing everything you possibly can. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

It’s difficult to see these different parts of our mind – in other words, distinguishing between the virtues and the delusions – but doing so is the key to success.

So that’s it: love them for who they are; stop trying to change them. Praise them, smile at them, thank them for being wonderful parents, etc. etc. etc. You can’t do more than this.

This means speaking to their good qualities, not always to their problems.

If they change and become happy, that will be a bonus — for you!

Are we communicating?

Love to you, V,

Robina