Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Ven. Robina,

Thank you so much for your teachings as always. It was a pleasure to listen to you for three days, you have impacted my life in such a great way. Thank you so much for answering my son’s question. He listens to you quite a bit, so coming from you, it really helped him see things differently.

I had a question on karma.

1) I have noticed that my son and I have similar karmic patterns. Is this possible? For example, we both have to work really hard to achieve a result, and even after working hard and being a deserving candidate for a particular award or position, we seem to have to settle for the second best. I have seen this pattern play out in my entire life and now I see my son struggle with a similar pattern. 

As long as it was about me, I knew how to handle it for myself. But seeing my son go through it makes it really hard for me.

2) What can be done to overcome this repeated experience?

Deepest gratitude for all your guidance always,

A.

ANSWER

Dearest A,

Good to hear from you — and glad to meet your son on Zoom!

To be clear in my answer I need to know some more from you. Can you state the problem in another way, or give examples?

Then we can discuss.

Love to you,

Robina

QUESTION

Ven. Robina,

Thank you for your email. Let me try to explain with a couple of examples.

1) When I was graduating high school, although I was a good student, I had to struggle to get into a college of my choice. I see the same thing happening with my son.

2) At my workplace, I was a high-performing employee, but any time there was a position open, or a promotion to be given, I would also be second choice, or get second best position. With my son, he deserved to be the head of a group at school (even his principal told him that), but he got the assistant role.

3) Being loving and caring people, we love our friends and really commit to friendships. I have often faced abandonment from friends and I see the same happening with him.

Over the years, with my Dharma practice, I have overcome a lot of these concerns, but my son is yet to learn how to process these and apply Dharma.

Two questions: 

1) Can karmic patterns be similar between parents and children?

2) I know there is a trap of attachment and a host of worldly concerns in the examples shared above, but I just want to know how to work through these when these patterns occur repeatedly. The crux of our issue lies in the “repeatedly” part. 

Thanks for all your guidance,

Heartfelt gratitude and kindest regards,

A.

ANSWER

Now I understand, A. Thank you.

Yes, for sure, we can share many similar karmic tendencies and experiences, especially with family. Children don’t get them from their parents; both come into this life with similar karmic tendencies and experiences.

As you well know, there are four ways our karma ripens, four tracks of karma (I like to call it that),

1. Type of rebirth.

2. Our tendencies similar to the cause.

3. Our experiences similar to the cause.

4. Environmental result.

So there you are: a good student, your son too, a high-performing employee, a loving and kind and committed friend. You came into this life programmed with these tendencies from having practiced good ethics in past lives. Perfect! The best!

And then there’s the third track of karma: our experiences, which is basically how we’re seen and treated by others: experiences similar to the cause of our having done these actions in the past, as you point out.

And, you’re so right, the main source of the suffering is the attachment to approval. We cannot underestimate how deep this attachment is!

Because of this yearning for approval, we have what seems like a logical assumption that because we’re the best employee we deserve the top position.

But when we understand these two unrelated tracks of karma, we won’t have that expectation.

Feelings of abandonment are a direct result of this intense attachment for approval, to being seen, to be liked.

And therein is the practice.

It’s a tough one, but it’s powerful.

A direct practice, an antidote to the suffering of getting second best, is to rejoice, to truly delight in the other person’s success.

This is a powerful antidote to the pain right there and then, but is also creating the cause for future success, future getting the best!

And, upon reflection, I think pride plays a big role in our suffering as well. It feels very similar to attachment to reputation, but it’s a different concept, a different thought in our mind. We need to pay close attention in order to identify these delusions. This is practice!

How to help your son? The more you understand the process, the more you practice, the better you can be of help to him.

Much love,

Robina