Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Hello dear Venerable Robina,

I have been tossing this question around in my mind for quite a while. It seems that no matter how I try to look at it from a different perspective there is no good answer. 

My spouse has extremely high expectations of my behavior yet becomes extremely offended if I even express a hurt feeling or a different way of doing some things. He always has an opinion of how I should be doing things. 

Example: He never says, “Good Morning” or “Goodnight.” Therefore, I felt it was my attachment to hearing those words so I just let it go. I stopped saying good morning or goodnight too. 

However, he then gets an attitude that somehow I don’t care about him or like him? 

Explaining my feelings turns into a round table of him justifying why he is right and I am wrong.

He has many good qualities but his neediness sucks the life out of me. It is exhausting.

I choose to stay because our grandchildren are a big part of our life. Our home and presence in their life makes all of us happy.

I continue to work on my attachment to what others think. However, when you live with someone I feel like it’s a 24 hours a day/7 days a week job; especially when we are both retired.

I crave quiet and alone time. However, if I do too many things alone he says that I don’t want to be with him. 

Thank you,

A

ANSWER

Yes, dear A, I hear you loud and clear!

I think the fact that you’ve clearly chosen to stay in this relationship is important.

Now you have to find the way to live your life exactly as you want. Take time to be alone, let him think what he likes. That’s not your business.

Try to be satisfied. It’s possible. 

Try to stop expecting your spouse to be different. Actually, you both have the same problem — each of you is not satisfied with the other!

Let him be. Love him for who he is. 

Stop resenting him, that’s anger.

Let him be, let him be.

Be your own person, take your time alone, go where you want, do what you want. Feel free.

You have nothing to prove to him.

It’s possible, A, it’s possible.

Have courage!

What do you think? 

Love,

Robina

QUESTION

Dear Venerable Robina:

Yes, yes, yes! You are absolutely right.

You said, “Stop resenting him.” That’s it! I have been resenting him, which produces anger.

Here I am thinking I am working on not being attached to what he thinks but underlying is the resentment. It was festering.

You also said, “Take time to be alone, let him think what he likes. That’s not your business.”

Also so true! I love to go. I am not one to sit in a chair and watch TV. I also don’t mind going alone. However, when he makes a comment about me going all the time (even though he could go with me) I start feeling guilty. The guilt turns into resentment.

This still all goes back to my attachment to what others think about me. I have been listening to your lessons for years now. I think I work to adapt the Buddha’s teachings into my life. Then I realize that I am still in preschool. I will continue to practice.

Thank you for your lessons, help with meditations and willingness to always listen and help.

Love,

A

ANSWER

Well done, A! Keep moving, dearest one. Practice takes time.

As the Tibetans say, “Nothing gets more difficult with practice.” That’s encouraging!