Q & A with Robina

The three Sherab Plaza Guru Rinpoche statues, on Liberation Prison Project's altar in San Francisco in 2007. Guru Rinpoche, or Padmasambhava, helped establish the Dharma in Tibet in the 8th century and is one of the great figures of Tibetan Buddhism. Photo Ven. Katy Cole.

QUESTION I originally planned on writing a few weeks ago but kept delaying somewhat out of embarrassment. Then I figured I would have more clarity after our retreat; although, as it turns out after sitting in silence for the weekend I returned to this Harvey Weinstein madness – so the situation was amplified

Over the past few months I been being sexually harassed by my boss. Unfortunately, our office is small, I work direct and only for him, we do not have an HR department, and the boss above him isn't much better. Similarly, my receptionist has complained about my boss and was ignored. He brings in a good amount of money – and everyone shrugs off his behavior because “he's old.”

At first it started with little things like constantly staring at my breasts (which I'm just used to – so I just brushed it off) or telling me how attractive I am when I wear my hair down as opposed to back. Then he started telling me stories about when he “cheated on his wife in the 90s with his secretary who had a gap in her front teeth and would seductively rub her tongue through it” to get him aroused. He has continued to tell me this story on various occasions and he says he's sure that I'm "doing fine in the sex department" and don't need any advice from him.

He's also joked with the building's receptionist that he was "taking me to a hotel" when we were dressed up for an office party at a rooftop bar – it was his response to the receptionist commenting on how nice I looked in my dress.

At this point I'm pretty grossed out. He knows that he shouldn't say these things and often prefaces them with “I know I shouldn't say this but. . .”. 

I've reached out to head hunters and have been looking for another job, but right now I feel really uncomfortable, stuck, weak, and sad. I literally had to take a valium to go to work the other day. I have to be to work at 10:30am and will wake up at 6 am and still be late because I spend 3 hours convincing myself that I have to go in. As I approach my office my eyes sometimes well up with tears because I just don't know what to expect or just sad that I have to spend another day here.

I do my best to avoid him (or at the very least avoid having to be alone with him), but really cannot since I work directly for him.

I just honestly don't even know what to do. It's just so amazing how reliant we are on money, because I would not tolerate this nonsense in any other area of my life. I also fear that speaking out will hurt my chances at getting a job elsewhere, which is why I have been trying to stick around while applying/searching, but honestly cannot take much more of this.  

Thanks so much for listening/reading. Please give me whatever advice you can.

VEN. ROBINA I understand exactly.

Sweetheart: in one sense it’s really simple: you have two options.

1. Stay and see it as practice until you can get another job.
2. Leave now and look for a new job.

If you take the second option, trust that you will be okay. The yogis have confidence that if they’re really practicing, “the food will roll up the hill to them.”

Why can’t you leave?

Talk to me about it.

QUESTION On one level I feel like I cannot leave because it will create too much financial instability while looking for another job. What I do is pretty specialized and positions do not pop up frequently. It took me nearly two years to find this position. The hours/lifestyle are generally good in this field – so people tend to just hunker down, which makes it difficult for job opportunities to arise.

So it is really the fear of leaving and not finding a new job fast enough.

There is also concern about leaving abruptly and not having someone from here to give me a recommendation when I am at the interview stage, due to “how or why” I left.  

It is also statistically harder to find a job when you are unemployed. 

VEN. ROBINA Yes, I understand.

So how do you think you can learn to cope with staying? What do you think you can do? Tell me. Because if you’re clear you can’t leave, you have to come up with a plan. What are your options for coping with it?

Is the man reasonable? Can you talk to him? Tell me more. Is there really no one you can turn to? Or is there no way you can change, feel more powerful, change the dynamics? 

QUESTION I question how reasonable he is – if he really thinks that these are appropriate things to say to someone in an office environment. Or if he prefaces bizarre statements with “I know I should not say this but” – which to me shows that he recognizes that it is inappropriate but just does what he pleases. 

I speak with my officemate about it quite a bit – she is older and has been here for 12 years. She gets it – because he's made her uncomfortable as well and has said bizarre things to us both in front of each other. I have spoken with my professional mentor – she is going to see if she knows anyone who can expedite the process of getting me out of here.

I guess that instead of laying in bed in the morning dreading coming into the office, I can return to doing my morning meditation. Then go to the gym before work because that makes me feel more grounded and empowered – rather than just ruminating for 3 hours on how much I don't want to be here or what he may say/do next. 

VEN. ROBINA Yes. If you’re clear you won’t leave, then you only have one option. You must change your attitude. It really is possible in these situations to learn to feel more powerful, less intimidated. I mean, these men are so pathetic, it’s like they’re retarded boys. For sure, get back to your practice! And go to the gym. You can’t continue in the mode you’re in now: you’ll spiral down to despair and hopelessness.

QUESTION Thank you so much for helping me think this through. One last question if you do not mind – if you were me, what would you do?

VEN. ROBINA If I were you, given your stated circumstances, I would learn to feel powerful, in charge, your own person, completely indifferent to these absurd infants ingrown-men’s bodies. Of course, it doesn’t happen over night, but it’s what serious practice brings.

And the essence of it is giving up attachment to being approved of: that’s the essence of our pain, our fears. We’re often so afraid of making brave decisions because we’re afraid of what people think, of being judged, of upsetting the apple cart.

So, slowly slowly.

Power can manifest in two ways in this situation: Deciding to not stick around a crummy job where you’re demeaned for being female. Or, if you decide to stay, which you have done, then the power to do the above: completely ignore these sad, arrogant, pathetic human beings. There’s no benefit in being a victim. 

Decide you will stay but do it on your own terms. Know what you want. Stick around until you can find a better job. Be adult and relaxed and feel in charge of things. Show dignity, self-respect. Stand tall. Be polite but firm; use him until you can get the hell out of there with a good recommendation in your hand.

Pray to Tara, BE Tara.

I just read two stories in The New York Times: both inspiring women, and each made a different decision: one exposed the nonsense with power and dignity; the other didn’t, also with power and dignity.

QUESTION Thank you, I absolutely needed that – it's amazing how easily we shrink ourselves to be accepted. I got this.