Q & A with Robina

QUESTION

Hi Robina, 

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. I just fall back into bad habits so easily, and I don’t want to anymore. 

For example, I was at home and my mother wanted to get in touch with me about something she feels is important, so she’ll send me a text – or get my father to do it – and, if I don’t reply quickly, I’ll get another, and another, which will then become a phone call (you end up with like a billion texts and missed calls). I was actually in the middle of doing my practice so wasn’t looking at my phone, and I didn’t see the messages come in. But in her mind, I guess, she has something she needs to speak to me about, and she’ll become fixated to the point where nothing else matters. And when I don’t reply quickly, she’ll perceive that as me ignoring her. 

I think her attachment is so intense that nothing else comes into her field of view apart from getting what she wants, irrespective of the cost to others.

What should I do? 

Love,
F

ANSWER

Dear F,

I understand!

To cut to the chase: you have two options.

1. Keep the situation as it is and, given that you can’t control your mother’s mind or behavior, continue to practice Dharma, which means work on your own mind: your own attachment, your own anger. 

And, crucially, you can learn to ignore her messages, her phone calls — no one is forcing you to answer them. It’s your own delusions that cause you to be sucked into her demands.

If you can succeed, even a little, at this, you’ll see it all quite differently. You’ll even be able to have some compassion for her because, clearly, she’s the one who’s suffering.

2. If you can’t cope with the situation, you have to leave it: so, cut off all contact with your parents; maybe even move to another place.

So, make a decision: that’s the key to success. Make a decision. 

Pretty blunt, but that’s the essence of it! Because you’re a Dharma practitioner you should understand.

All the best,
Robina